Nine Elite Trader Joe's Recommendations
Picks that will make you say, "Okay, maybe I'll purchase that."
One perk of being a paid subscriber to this blog is that you can send recommendations for topics. Actually, anyone can do that, so you’re welcome to inquire even if you’re not paying me. Also, if you decided to pay long ago and now you sort of want to stop but feel awkward because I am your friend and/or family member, I promise that I will not hold it against you if you unsubscribe. I didn’t mean to cause any strife.
Anyway, the point of this introduction is that my Aunt Laura asked me to write about my favorite Trader Joe’s products, and I’m going to do it because I have great respect for her and the excellent paella and flan she makes for our family every Christmas. Also she’s a founding subscriber to this blog and the only one who has suggested a topic.
With Aunt Laura in mind, I prepared to purchase most of what I would need from a grocery store, but not quite all of it, because I was at a Trader Joe’s. As I walked in, I realized that I could purchase even less of what I needed because affluent customers were legally ransacking every aisle. The berries were gone. The kale was gone. The workers were present but arguably too chill considering the ravaged nature of the produce section. I wanted someone in a Hawaiian shirt to have a meltdown, if only to make me feel heard.
In service to my subscribers, I took 72 pictures in the Trader Joe’s, which is fewer than the number I took while in Washington’s majestic Olympic National Park, but not by a whole lot. These pictures will help illustrate some of the most utilitarian Trader Joe’s recommendations you’ll ever read.
I recommend Trader Joe’s bagged kale, which is $2.49. It’s a much better price than the bagged kale at Whole Foods and has a softer, less ribby texture. It’s not better (or worse) than the Whole Foods kale, but the differences make me think about soil nutrient dynamics, which I find interesting. The spinach and arugula are also cheap. Although I generally oppose unnecessarily bagged Trader Joe’s items (cauliflower, tri-color bell pepper medley), I don’t mind so much with the greens.
When not sold out, the kale is on the right. There wasn’t any shredded kale or Tuscan kale either. Avocados are too big for most ordinary purposes, and their performance as leftovers is despicable. I like Trader Joe’s Teeny Tiny Avocados. They are the perfect size for one person to eat, have very small pits, and ripen quickly. Instead of eating half an avocado and letting the rest disintegrate in your fridge, you can just eat a Teeny Tiny Avocado, which, when you again consider the tiny pits, are basically as filling as a normal avocado.
I like Trader Joe’s plain pizza crust. Sure, you can make your own pizza crust or buy a frozen pizza, but this is a nice middle ground and helps create a pie better than a lot of takeout options. For best results, I recommend also buying the ball of fresh mozzarella above the pizza dough . If you have one of those little pizza ovens that blasts your pizza at 950 degrees, I bet people would be blown away with the dough you bought for $1.69. They’d think, “Wow, this guy made pizza.” Guests might think that even if your dumb standard oven reaches only 500 degrees.
I would recommend that you don’t get the ice cream at Trader Joe’s. If you absolutely must, the chocolate is fine. But it just doesn’t hit. Not creamy.
I really like this Thai Shrimp Gyoza. They’re perfect for when it’s 3:30 and you want to exercise at 5:00, and you’re a little hungry but not that hungry but don’t want to be hungry soon but want something sort of substantial but don’t want to spoil your dinner.
I picked one of these up to take a picture but then forgot to put it in my cart. Also, the vegetable version is unfortunately not that good. The flavor is good. I drip some water on them and put a few in the microwave. They taste slightly better in the pan but that detracts from the ease of preparation.
I love the Dark Chocolate Lovers Chocolate Bars, which are 85-percent chocolate, really cheap, and the perfect level of sweetness (barely sweet). One box comes with two bars, and both cost like $1.99. If you ignore the lawsuit that claims they contain suspiciously high levels of both cadmium and lead, then you could basically eat as much of this chocolate as you want with zero regrets.
If it weren’t for my desire to avoid an overwhelming daily caloric surplus, I could demolish about 13 Chocolatey Coated Chocolate Chip Cookie Dunkers per day. Maybe 17. They’re kind of like Goldfish in that you could eat them continuously and both not get full and not get tired of them. If I were 2008 Michael Phelps, I’d have a container of these with me at all times.
Eight gold medals, 80 chocolatey coated chocolate chip cookie dunkers. Once called Reduced Guilt Potato Chips and now called Kettle Cooked Potato Chips, these are extremely crunchy and half as salty as Trader Joe’s normal potato chips. I actually like the low-salt version of most chips more, and these slap. So crunchy. I might actually go out and get some right now.
It’s impossible to reduce the total absence of guilt I feel while slamming down these crunchy chips. I like the Trader Joe’s salmon because it costs $9.99. That is significantly less than the Whole Foods salmon, which I’ve been protesting since they raised the price by four dollars within a period of two months. I can’t even look the Whole Foods fish guy in the eyes anymore. What he did to me can’t be forgiven.
He knows what he did.
Honorable mentions: Bamba peanut snacks, Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups, Plain Whole Milk Yogurt, flowers, 70% Belletoile Brie Triple Cream Brie, Mini Chocolate Hazelnut Biscotti, Garlic Naan, Crunchy Curls.
I could review these too, but I’ve given it my absolute all and am completely depleted. Also it says I’m approaching my email length limit. If you want me to elaborate, give me a call and we can talk.
My Trader Joe’s recs: 9.3/10
The salmon is good quality at a great price!
Definitely agree the ice cream is subpar. I like the peanut butter. It's noticeably better than some other peanut butters. The microwaveable chocolate lava cakes are pretty good too.